You cannot imagine, literally and figuratively, the pain I feel knowing the words I am about to write hold so much truth. TEN years, I confided in you. TEN years, I protected you. TEN years, I gave you a part of me that will never be replaced. TEN years, you blocked me from your truth. TEN years, you allowed me to believe your lies. TEN years, you secretly plotted to sabotage my entire existence. TEN years, 520 weeks, 3,650 days, 87,600 hours, I will never be able to get back. Wasted, except for the psychology degree I earned specializing in narcissistic personality disorder.
It has been 70 days since I learned the truth about you. The doubt started months before, but I could not force myself to believe the betrayal. I continued to protect you. My loyalty was unwavering until you showed me a glimpse of the monster you hide so well. Then I was filled with a rage I have never felt. Next I was filled with fear and crippling anxiety. Then denial and dissociation. I escaped the events shoved in my face and when I returned I was overwhelmed with sadness. In the 70 days since I discovered your secret I cannot count the number of times I have cycled through these emotions. My days are spent locked in a room on a couch at your friend’s apartment because he was kind enough to offer me refuge and time to clear my head. I am struggling to process what you did and why. With my ex and the father of my child, he never fooled me into believing he only had good intentions. Your betrayal came as a shock because you did things that are unforgivable and I fell for your charm. You became family and I felt closer to you than my own family, making it harder to accept and move on from. Your truth is the hardest dose of reality I have ever been forced to swallow. Your betrayal crushes my heart and leaves me unable to cope. You have caused more pain in my heart than any other human should have to feel. I blame myself for not seeing, as the signs were always right there. I created excuses for every questionable act you committed because I fell for your mask and fought to protect you from the karma you created for yourself.
I will forever remember the night you played a narcissist abuse video on YouTube to everyone at the house claiming you FINALLY discovered a name for the hell we had endured at the hand’s of your wife, who was away at rehab, AGAIN. I remember feeling relief to finally have a name for the cause of abuse we endured and in knowing we weren’t alone in the abuse. I remember feeling gratitude in knowing you finally found an answer and hope you would finally be able to move on from your tormentor and recover from the years of trauma you suffered. I remember your suggestion that maybe I, too, suffered from NPD…because as the videos suggest people like you are magnets for toxic humans with no soul. I remember questioning myself for weeks, worried I had gone years unaware of my lack of empathy. I questioned whether or not I was evil and even started to believe I was. Maybe my selfish tendencies were unhealthy. Maybe I was a narcissist at my core. I chose to stick around for years when everyone else scurried away from the constant drama that surrounded our circle. Was I the drama? Did I cause people to run away in fear? Did I play a part in abusing my loving friend?
I fell right into your plan, for the moment…However, thanks to your choice for movie night and the out of character actions that shortly followed, I was able to see who you are and you should know I am not scared. I see the paranoid ticking time bomb you truly are. Our friendship may have ended but our war has just begun. Better get ready… Tick-Tock, Goes the Clock.
💋 A Narcissist’s Nightmare