Dear My Narcissistic Monster,
I will not use your name, not because I feel you should be afforded protection, but because I will no longer provide your heartless soul an excuse to further torment my mind. I spent years allowing myself to carry blame for destruction you caused, but you underestimated my resilience. Or maybe it was my resilience that kept you coming back. You relied on my ignorance of the existence of monsters like you, completely devoid of a emotion. My lack of knowledge created the crack you used to climb into my soul.
You perfected the art of making me crazy. You provoked me to react and used my reaction to YOUR ABUSE to prove my instability. I now recognize what you did as abuse. Finally. The weight has been lifted and with that I find hope. Hope that one day you will not have a hold over my thoughts. You will not be capable of inducing a hatred for everything I am inside and out.
I allowed you to bring out a vengeful and negative spirit in my self I have felt shame for but lacked any strength to control. Your obsession with creating a game stacked in your favor caused me to lose site of who I am supposed to be. You manipulated my self-image and created an intense hatred for everything I stood for. I see now you were placing your demons on my shoulder expecting me to carry the weight of evil you possess. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it does not work that way, you cannot end your own suffering by passing it on to me. You will never find peace in what you are because you have allowed the evil to completely consume any light you had inside. You chose to let evil become you. I did not. You alone have that burden to bear.
I have long since grown tired of asking, why? I know you will not provide me any closure. That would end your control, eliminate your ability to wreak havoc on my psychè. You cannot let that happen, so you have kept me on a string, reliant on you “the puppet master” for guidance because you stole my ability to trust my own choices long ago. Let me make this clear, never again will you possess such power over me, not anymore…not even a little.
I cannot forgive you for the pain you caused but I have to accept what happened and choose to move forward. If not, I would eventually become completely consumed by your evil. And I am not you. I am truly sorry for whatever trauma you endured that created the monster you are, but I am not to blame. I am not the person who killed your soul. I cannot provide you with the closure you so desperately needed to end the creation of your inner monster. I wish I could give you a speck of the emotion you try so hard to mimic, but I cannot and you would not embrace it if I could. It saddens me to know you will never have peace.
You will spend your eternity wreaking havoc and causing pain to the lives of any poor soul unlucky enough to fall for your mask. The mask you have created to hide the beast inside. I loved your mask with no conditions, however, I now recognize you are not your mask, and it is not possible for you to keep the mask on once you have sucked a victim in. Your desire to create pain is too strong and consumes you.
I will end on this note. I no longer regret allowing you in my life. The lessons I learned could not be taught without experiencing the pain. The pain has provided me the knowledge I need to protect our daughter from falling victim to someone like you. That alone makes the pain worth enduring. You will never change and you will continue to prey on innocent people. I will no longer be your victim. I deserve to be loved with as much love as I have to give. I will never again be the girl you left broken in the corner. I rose from the ashes and found the voice you worked so hard to silence. And I find peace knowing your failure to destroy me will haunt you long after I have moved on. This is a game you cannot win.
Through pain you inflicted on me I learned how strong I am. Thankfully, I’m back in the light, but I will never forget the darkness in this world you showed me exists. I will use that knowledge to protect anyone I love from falling victim to monsters like you…
-The Nightmare You Created 🖤