Here I am, 7 months after leaving my toxic situation, my surroundings are different, entirely. I no longer stay completely isolated from the world, but I still am unable to fully trust another individual, not even myself. One day I hope to write a book detailing the events of my last decade of life. As of now, the idea is too draining to my psyche. I never realized just how trusting I was of people, not until trusting someone was no longer an option. I’ve always identified as an introvert, and I still do, but I now realize I possess a strong need to feel a connection to another person’s soul. In my life, I’ve had a handful of people, who’s souls immediately connected with mine—creating a deeper than usual attachment and craving for those individuals. I have been forced to acknowledge, without fail, every single one of these “love at first site” connections, platonic or not, have been with an individual with zero intention of reciprocating the love in a healthy way. These people have all been my kryptonite, and, even with this newfound awareness, I have trouble fighting the powerful draw I feel to these souls. Bringing me to my need to connect with other souls—I’m unsure of how to create a bond with anyone I do not feel that spark. My circle has dwindled, mainly due to repetitious realizations I’ve given trust to quite a few of my enemy’s people. The loyalty a narcissist is able to maintain from the victims is almost unwavering. I have spent countless hours researching to find a reason or a way one person could create such a strong hold over another. I’ve acquired a lot of proof my narcissist was involved in a multitude of shady business and personal dealings, in the past and as of now. The person I came to love was never real. The feelings I had were not my narcissist’s to keep. I will always love the character she played, but the shell she uses has lost its appeal. Looking back at photos I only see evil and hate in her eyes. She looks like a predator no matter the mask.
I am aware now that, unlike the many others she has befriended over the years, she trusted me—as much as she was able. The trust allowed her to unknowingly give me the key to finding the truth I needed to walk away from her horror show. She realized soon enough she had made a fatal error, which explains the sudden attacks on everything I held close to my heart. The attacks did not stop me from opening the door to her house of secrets, but they made me more receptive to facing the reality of her secret world. Conversations are constantly replaying in my mind and the hidden truths in her words and strange events have since become clear. The betrayal hurts just as much as before, but I now accept that I will never find comfort from the source of the pain.
Most days, if the opportunity presented itself, I would run, carrying only my child, as far as possible, in any direction, for a chance to start over in a place she does not exist. I know until I have healed from the trauma she inflicted I will continue attract predators like her who are always in the shadows seeking their next meal. Hopefully soon, I will find the courage to seek help and begin healing. The fear of walking into a trap set by her has stopped me from walking through the doors, but I maintain faith my healing is about to begin. If I lose faith, I lose the desire to continue and in that moment she would win. Too bad for her, I possess a deep need to bring the truth to light and giving up and giving in would stifle the truth I have worked so hard to uncover. A truth the world will one day know.