What happens next?

Here I am, 7 months after leaving my toxic situation, my surroundings are different, entirely. I no longer stay completely isolated from the world, but I still am unable to fully trust another individual, not even myself. One day I hope to write a book detailing the events of my last decade of life. As of now, the idea is too draining to my psyche. I never realized just how trusting I was of people, not until trusting someone was no longer an option. I’ve always identified as an introvert, and I still do, but I now realize I possess a strong need to feel a connection to another person’s soul. In my life, I’ve had a handful of people, who’s souls immediately connected with mine—creating a deeper than usual attachment and craving for those individuals. I have been forced to acknowledge, without fail, every single one of these “love at first site” connections, platonic or not, have been with an individual with zero intention of reciprocating the love in a healthy way. These people have all been my kryptonite, and, even with this newfound awareness, I have trouble fighting the powerful draw I feel to these souls. Bringing me to my need to connect with other souls—I’m unsure of how to create a bond with anyone I do not feel that spark. My circle has dwindled, mainly due to repetitious realizations I’ve given trust to quite a few of my enemy’s people. The loyalty a narcissist is able to maintain from the victims is almost unwavering. I have spent countless hours researching to find a reason or a way one person could create such a strong hold over another. I’ve acquired a lot of proof my narcissist was involved in a multitude of shady business and personal dealings, in the past and as of now. The person I came to love was never real. The feelings I had were not my narcissist’s to keep. I will always love the character she played, but the shell she uses has lost its appeal. Looking back at photos I only see evil and hate in her eyes. She looks like a predator no matter the mask.

I am aware now that, unlike the many others she has befriended over the years, she trusted me—as much as she was able. The trust allowed her to unknowingly give me the key to finding the truth I needed to walk away from her horror show. She realized soon enough she had made a fatal error, which explains the sudden attacks on everything I held close to my heart. The attacks did not stop me from opening the door to her house of secrets, but they made me more receptive to facing the reality of her secret world. Conversations are constantly replaying in my mind and the hidden truths in her words and strange events have since become clear. The betrayal hurts just as much as before, but I now accept that I will never find comfort from the source of the pain.

Most days, if the opportunity presented itself, I would run, carrying only my child, as far as possible, in any direction, for a chance to start over in a place she does not exist. I know until I have healed from the trauma she inflicted I will continue attract predators like her who are always in the shadows seeking their next meal. Hopefully soon, I will find the courage to seek help and begin healing. The fear of walking into a trap set by her has stopped me from walking through the doors, but I maintain faith my healing is about to begin. If I lose faith, I lose the desire to continue and in that moment she would win. Too bad for her, I possess a deep need to bring the truth to light and giving up and giving in would stifle the truth I have worked so hard to uncover. A truth the world will one day know.

My Weekly Wheel of Madness

I try not to feed into the latest edition of your impromptu soap opera, but you know me as well, if not better, than I know myself. So you have memorized which buttons to press to get the desired reaction. I have learned it is crucial to stay focused on damage control. After falling for the first few curveballs thrown my way, I knew something had to change quickly before this escalated to a point beyond repair. It has to take a special breed to purposely inflict so much pain on people who have put your problems ahead of their own time and time again. Not only did you break the lock stopping entry into the room housing everything owned by the person who has been your lawyer, bank, therapist, baby-sitter, maid, and more times than not, lately, your brain and your voice, but you then allowed FOUR complete strangers to rummage through the only items I possess—taking what they wish in the process. You put on quite a show after finding the camera I left to protect my things, had I been one of the strangers I never would have questioned the truthfulness of your claims. Having inside knowledge they lacked, my head was on the verge of spinning completely off my body when I received word you contacted law enforcement to investigate the accusation I was using hidden cameras to eavesdrop on you and your latest soulmate’s, likely riveting, conversations. Luckily, the cameras were not placed illegally or I would again sign my name to the growing list of charges received by everyone but you.

Being such a fresh wound, my emotions were already all over the place, so a reaction was pulled easily out of me. In the ten years I’ve been by your side, I’ve never felt or said such awful things…to anyone. Lacking any knowledge on how to proceed when “leaving” a narcissist, I made sure you knew I had figured you out completely. Throwing the terms psycho and narcissist around like candy on Halloween. A decision I’m sure gives explanation to the unexplainable events that have continuously crashed into my life from every angle of my life. You truly left no stone unturned. From repeated attempts of sexual harassment—to stolen panties—to destroyed hard-drives. Secrets so dark, I know I would struggle to show mercy if learned they held any truth. Each new drama taking attention off the last, resulting in a stack of issues I have to have done by yesterday and need a year to get through the material.

Either you carefully planned this sequence of catastrophic events methodically over many years or I have developed a completely paranoid thought process. Sometimes I realize I’m probably putting more thought into an event than I should. Really, any thought into something you could possibly have played a part in is too much, but the attacks have put in danger everything I love so I find myself unable to block the events from my mind. Out of the list of insanity shoved on my lap in this time, I’m 99% sure you are responsible for: 4-5 attempted arrest setups for drugs, theft and eavesdropping, one false drug allegation resulting in DFCS opening a case to confirm my fitness as a parent. Made claims I am stalking you in real life and have taken over your email and social media accounts. Registering stolen recreational vehicles in my name after I disclosed your lies to the person you tricked into storing the vehicles not knowing they were considered stolen. Knowing what I now know about your questionable involvement in arrests and raids, I live in constant fear you are planning on setting me up for something very big to get me out of the way and take away any possibility I could out your many dirty secrets. You should know those attacks push me to air your dirty laundry faster. The attacks have pushed me to put into motion a plan to continue outing you even if you succeed in silencing my voice. The ball is already rolling full speed towards you and thanks to your arrogance you will not see it coming until it is too late to find shelter.

Your attempt to paint me as crazy has become crystal clear. Often times I find myself questioning my own sanity, so I could only imagine how I must look to outsiders. I may not have the mental strength to leave the room I live in most days, but in this short time I have been able to show the darkness you possess to countless people, saving them from your destruction and that gives me hope I will find peace right around the corner. Your arrogance will lead you straight to your own destruction and I do not think even you will be able to withstand the bad karma you will have to answer to. Your days of reign, at least in this town, are numbered. Better start packing.

-A Narcissist’s Nightmare 💋

A Letter to The Man Who Broke Me

Dear My Narcissistic Monster,

I will not use your name, not because I feel you should be afforded protection, but because I will no longer provide your heartless soul an excuse to further torment my mind. I spent years allowing myself to carry blame for destruction you caused, but you underestimated my resilience. Or maybe it was my resilience that kept you coming back. You relied on my ignorance of the existence of monsters like you, completely devoid of a emotion. My lack of knowledge created the crack you used to climb into my soul.

You perfected the art of making me crazy. You provoked me to react and used my reaction to YOUR ABUSE to prove my instability. I now recognize what you did as abuse. Finally. The weight has been lifted and with that I find hope. Hope that one day you will not have a hold over my thoughts. You will not be capable of inducing a hatred for everything I am inside and out.

I allowed you to bring out a vengeful and negative spirit in my self I have felt shame for but lacked any strength to control. Your obsession with creating a game stacked in your favor caused me to lose site of who I am supposed to be. You manipulated my self-image and created an intense hatred for everything I stood for. I see now you were placing your demons on my shoulder expecting me to carry the weight of evil you possess. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it does not work that way, you cannot end your own suffering by passing it on to me. You will never find peace in what you are because you have allowed the evil to completely consume any light you had inside. You chose to let evil become you. I did not. You alone have that burden to bear.

I have long since grown tired of asking, why? I know you will not provide me any closure. That would end your control, eliminate your ability to wreak havoc on my psychè. You cannot let that happen, so you have kept me on a string, reliant on you “the puppet master” for guidance because you stole my ability to trust my own choices long ago. Let me make this clear, never again will you possess such power over me, not anymore…not even a little.

I cannot forgive you for the pain you caused but I have to accept what happened and choose to move forward. If not, I would eventually become completely consumed by your evil. And I am not you. I am truly sorry for whatever trauma you endured that created the monster you are, but I am not to blame. I am not the person who killed your soul. I cannot provide you with the closure you so desperately needed to end the creation of your inner monster. I wish I could give you a speck of the emotion you try so hard to mimic, but I cannot and you would not embrace it if I could. It saddens me to know you will never have peace.

You will spend your eternity wreaking havoc and causing pain to the lives of any poor soul unlucky enough to fall for your mask. The mask you have created to hide the beast inside. I loved your mask with no conditions, however, I now recognize you are not your mask, and it is not possible for you to keep the mask on once you have sucked a victim in. Your desire to create pain is too strong and consumes you.

I will end on this note. I no longer regret allowing you in my life. The lessons I learned could not be taught without experiencing the pain. The pain has provided me the knowledge I need to protect our daughter from falling victim to someone like you. That alone makes the pain worth enduring. You will never change and you will continue to prey on innocent people. I will no longer be your victim. I deserve to be loved with as much love as I have to give. I will never again be the girl you left broken in the corner. I rose from the ashes and found the voice you worked so hard to silence. And I find peace knowing your failure to destroy me will haunt you long after I have moved on. This is a game you cannot win.

Through pain you inflicted on me I learned how strong I am. Thankfully, I’m back in the light, but I will never forget the darkness in this world you showed me exists. I will use that knowledge to protect anyone I love from falling victim to monsters like you…

-The Nightmare You Created 🖤

Breaking, again.

I let you in after 5 years being alone.

I told you details about my past I’ve never told anyone.

You knew how much I struggled with the pain I’ve gone through.

But, like everyone else I’ve ever let in, you betrayed my trust.

You cheated. You lied. You stole.

After spending months accusing me of doing the things you were hiding, you got caught.

Why. Does. This. Always. Happen. To. Me.?

What’s the plan?

I shut down under pressure. I lock the world out of my bubble. I forget the realizations that made my mind want to shut down. I escape. For a day, at least. When I return I will appear quieter at first but unscathed otherwise. Everyone will still want answers to questions I’ve since forgotten. They won’t find them through me because I will be back in my fantasy world, drowning out all the stress with whatever I can find to make it go away. I’ll apologize for things I didn’t do, just to appease those in control. Maybe next time I won’t shut down and I’ll finally do what has to be done to end the suffering. That is if I can remember what needs to be done.